Pilots хумор

Пилотски муабети и случувања.
Pilot's talks and events.

Pilots хумор

Postby avijacijamk » 21 Sep 2006, 12:55

gear pins installed
While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange "Remove before flight" streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: "Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23." No reply.

They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the Herky crew that "the professional pilots of Lufthansa do not engage in unprofessional conversations over the radio."

The 130 pilot quickly replied, "Frankfurt tower, can you please relay to the professional pilots of the Lufthansa aircraft that their nose gear pin is still installed?"

===============================================

deadheading crew
Have you ever been on a plane and seen some uniformed pilots sitting in the passenger cabin? This is not at all uncommon, since most airlines at one time or another need pilots to cover a flight at an airport other than the one at which they're based. When pilots ride this way as passengers, this is known in the industry as "deadheading." In some cases, due to weather, mechanical problems, or crew flight-time legalities crews are called out at the very last moment to catch a deadheading flight. And so begins our story...

While taxiing out for takeoff, the Boeing 727 suddenly came to a stop. With the aircraft still on the taxiway, the flight attendant in the back began to lower the aft stairway. Behind the plane, a van with flashing lights came to a screeching halt and out jumped three deadheading pilots. They grabbed their bags and ran to the plane.

As they ran up the stairs, the pilot in front continued running up the aisle shouting, "I can't believe the stewardess got the plane this far. I didn't know she even knew how to start the engines!"

For a number of passengers it took quite some time before they realized they had been had by these jokers, you couldn't believe the startled looks on their faces!

===============================================

pilot humor
On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told that his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action: "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."
Премногу анализа доведува до парализа!!!
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gi sakate Monty Python?

Postby zort » 19 Oct 2006, 14:40

The Airline Pilots sketch



The Cast Captain: John Cleese
First Officer: Graham Chapman
Steward: Michael Palin

(The sketch opens in an aeroplane cockpit.
The Captain and the First Officer are whistling idly.
They are obviously very bored.)

C: I spy with my little eye something beginning with S.
FO: Sky.
C: Mm-hm.
FO I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.
C: Cloud.
FO: Yeah.
Oh God, I'm so bored.
C: I'm fed up with that game. Let's play another game.
I know what..
FO: What?

(The Captain picks up a microphone.)

C: (over intercom) "Hello, this is your Captain speaking.
There is absolutely no cause for concern."
That'll get them thinking.

(The First Officer reaches for the microphone.)

C: No, no, no, no. Not yet, not yet. Let it sink in.
They'll be thinking, er, 'What is there no cause for alarm
about? Are the wings on fire?'
(over intercom) "The wings are not on fire."
Now they're thinking, er, 'why should he say that?'
So we say...

(The Steward enters.)

FO: Oh, how are we doing?
S: (looks down the aisle) They've stopped eating;
Looking a bit worried...
C: Good.
S: Hang on, one of them is going to the washroom.
C: Is he there yet?
S: He's just closing the door... NOW!
C: One... Two... Three..
FO: (over intercom) "Please return to your seats and fasten your
seat-belts immediately."
S: Yes... here he comes, going up the aisle like the clappers.
I'll do the worried walk now.

(He leaves.)

FO: Right. Safety regulations.
C: (agreeing) Safety regulations.
FO: (over intercom) "Please listen carefully. I want you, I want
to remind you of some of the safety regulations.
In the case of emergency it is vitally important to..."

(The Captain makes a radio-static type noise.)

FO: "as the warning buzzer sounds."
C: "Bzzzz"

(They both laugh.)

C: Oh, that's got them rattled.
S: (enters) Great, great! (exit)

C: Hey, I've got an idea!
"Hello, you will find your life-jackets under your seats."
FO: No, they're on the racks.
C: Sh, shh, let them scrabble a bit.
"I'm sorry, you will ind them on the racks above your heads."
FO: Aaah!
S: (back again) Great, great, that was marvellous!
FO: Right. Gobbledegook.
C: Oh, yes.
FO "The scransons above your heads are now ready to flange.
Please unfasten your safety belts and press the emergency
photoscamps on the back of the seats in front of you."
S: (looks out) Marvellous, milling about, climbing over the seats.
FO: "Please find the emergency sprill in the washroom at the back
and release it..."
C: "but do not unfasten your safety belts."
S: That got them back to their seats.
FO: "The emergency sprill MUST be released..."
C: "but do not leave your seats."
FO: "Do not panic."
C: "Tea will now be served."
FO: "Inflate your life-jackets"
C: "and extinguish all cigarettes."
FO: "Please remove the luggage from the racks above your heads and
place it on the racks on the other side of the aircraft."
C: "Except for hand luggage..."
FO: "which you should sit on."

(They are in fits of laughter.)

C: Now have a look.
S: (looks) Hang on... hang on... they've all jumped out!

(They laugh, pointing downwards and looking out of the windows.
After a while the laughter dies away.
There is a lengthy pause.)

C: You know, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some trouble
about this.

(They burst out laughing again. The sketch ends.)
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Postby Scylla » 19 Oct 2006, 14:44

Последново е од Монти Пајтон. Сум го гледал. :D
Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.
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Postby SkyBird » 02 Aug 2007, 05:51

Airline Humour

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the F/A, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Heard during a passenger briefing prior to departure...
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aeroplane..."

And, after landing...
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Military Humour
"In a hurry are we, sir?":
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The 'boys in blue,' upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target acquisition computer had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed. Submitted by 'Mr Merlin', Sydney, Australia.

How was that?:
A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."

"Beam me up Scottie.":
The loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans- mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS:
LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

General Aviation Humour
Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessnas
including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs, the
controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally asked:
"Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"
A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a
moment: "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think
that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster'. Submitted by 'Mr Merlin', Sydney, Australia.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATC Humour
Sometimes ATC can be a little too rapid in their rate of speech...

DCA clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance
with a rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes,
altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas drawl,
OK, now why don't you'all say that again, real slow, as if it mattered.

A pilot was attempting to deal with New York, and the controller shot
everything out a mile a minute. The pilot came back with "New York, you
hear how fast I'm a-talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm a-listnin'".

Another pilot obtaining a clearance from the Trenton controller who
shot back "Trenton, you can repeat that, oh, about ten times. Or you can
say it again once... slowly." Submitted by 'Mr Merlin', Sydney, Australia.

ATC: "Alpha Bravo Charlie... Say altitude."
Pilot (feeling frisky): "Altitude."
ATC: "Say ALTITUDE!"
Pilot: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "Say 'Canceling IFR'."
Pilot: "Level 8000"

Pilot to Tower: "Can you give me a rough time-check?"
Tower: "It´s Tuesday, Sir"

ATC: "DAA - What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilot Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes, not years."

The 10 most common aviation lies.
1. I have no interest in flying for the airlines
2. All that turbulence spoiled my landing
3. I broke out right at minimums.
4. We shipped the part yesterday
5. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong
6. I've got the traffic in sight
7. Of course I know where we are
8. If we get a little lower I'm sure we'll break through
9. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons
10. The other instructor told me to do it like that

How do you know if a pilot is at your party? He'll tell you.

Cabin announcement. "Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight." {round of applause follows} "So on your way off the plane, be sure & stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday."

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 to make a three sixty (a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a one-eighty in this aeroplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

The German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange Between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and stopped.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Ground (with impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

General humour
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight which need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

=====

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: You're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a Midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.



You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore -test pilot)
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky. (From an old carrier sailor)
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine aeroplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ...the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Sh--!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the aeroplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest aeroplane in the world: ...it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.


A blonde gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California." The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to California."

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, "What did you say to her?" "I just told her that this section of the plane doesn't go to California."


Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"



There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked. "

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah, " the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach. "



There was a Cessna 172 taxiing to the active for takeoff when he found himself nose to nose with a Boeing 737, ATC said "Cessna give way to Boeing", "Delta Flight 1742, the Cessna will give way to you proceed to active", before the Delta flight had time to respond the Cessna came back on the raidio and said "Uh... this is Delta Flight 1742, we're going to let our little buddy go ahead." So as their waiting for takeoff ATC asked Delta flight where he was going, Delta responded "Where ever our little buddy is going"

Site ovie se izvadeni od www.basair.com.au
---The Pilot Can Land Only One Airplane, But I Can Land Thousands---
--Sometimes long haul just isn’t long enough for me --
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NEW AIRLINE RULES

Postby BORG » 06 Jul 2009, 17:54

NEW AIRLINE RULES

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.



A passenger piled his bags on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time!"


The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a notoriously short-tempered lot. They not only expect you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. The following exchange was overheard between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call-sign Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."




Q. - Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time he lands?

A. - Did you ever fly Alitalia?


A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non-stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door. He laughs and chooses door no. 3. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door no. 3 is flight attendant hell".
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